Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch, sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education worsens these problems. But having sex is one of the last things you should give up, Fay says. "Sex," she says, "brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy."
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Reminder yourself that being in a new relationship is a time of discovery and curiosity (and a lot is going to be new all at once). "To alleviate pressure, remind yourself to stay present and open," says Syrtash. And this goes for being true to yourself and trusting your gut instinct. It doesn't matter if someone is perfect on paper if they end up not being the right person for you.
Write down an actual list of what you need out of a relationship and whether those needs are being met. Rowena, 69, found the list helped her. "When I met Graham and decided to get involved with him, I sat down with a piece of paper and I wrote pros and cons. I was in my 30s at that point, and I said 'Hmm, you know, this is what I want.' And this guy had those qualities — many more good ones than bad ones.
"The biggest mistake is being too quick to enter a marriage," she said. "Get to know that person very, very well in all circumstances, the happiness part and the stressful parts. So both people have to be very willing and very open, and often times make concessions, as they get to know each other. So please, take a very serious look. You cannot mold your spouse into something that you want.''
I think one of the most powerful things about women is our intuition. I can't remember a time that I've had a true gut check (as I call it) lead me the wrong way. I think we are taught to brush intuition off as being overly sensitive but I say trust it. I trust my gut to guide my professional choices, to know when something works or just doesn't, and I use my gut in my personal life to be the same sort of emotional barometer.
For me, it’s about knowing when to step into my powerful, assertive self in my work life, and then switching gears to relish in my divine feminine side in a romantic relationship. To me, this means asking for my partner's help and advice, showing him my appreciation, nurturing him, and embodying sensuality for him. And the key part of relishing in being feminine in my relationship means being just as powerful with my partner as I am in my work life.
"Please don't compare us to your exes—out loud or even in your head. Sometimes horror stories about them can make for fun discussion, but don't ever bring your ex into the conversation if it's not called for. When I hear about a girl's man, I'm assuming we probably shouldn't be on that date period. If she literally can't keep his name out of her mouth for a couple of hours, it makes me feel like she's clearly not over past issues. I don't want to pick up a saved video game: I'm here to start new."
Have you ever gotten butterflies at the start of a new romantic relationship because you like this person so much you just don't want to mess it up? The truth is that if this is the right person for you, there are few ways you could actually mess things up, but it doesn't hurt to have the best new relationship advice on hand anyway. "A new relationship is full of potential, possibilities, and discover—not only of our partners but of ourselves and our needs, wants, and desire," says Andrea Syrtash, a dating and relationship expert and author of He's Just Not Your Type (And That's a Good Thing).
"The person you are meant to be with has a similar lifestyle to you. They’ll have the same taste in how they spend their time and the same taste in how they spend their money. Re-evaluate your lifestyle. Is it conducive to meeting someone special? If it’s work-home-work-home, chances are you need a lifestyle makeover! Once you’ve got that in check, Mr. or Mrs. Perfect is right around the corner just waiting for you."
What a stressful article! I mean, “Look sexy, get kinky, be aggressive, give him space, take care of yourself, don’t be a drama queen, don’t try so hard…” Blah blah blah!!! Be you. Be as crazy and assertive and talkative and love yourself the way you are. Don’t break your back trying to look how you think he wants you to look, or force yourself into an uncomfortable sexual encounter because you don’t want him to get bored and wonder off… Men need to be held accountable too! And if you are doing everything to make him stay, you’re only going to resent him for not putting in as much effort. And he won’t. Because he’s a dude. So just be you and find someone you don’t feel the need to CHANGE or CHANGE FOR.
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